9/12/24

AAPI Short Film Marathon - Netflix's Fresh Perspectives: Short Films collection

I won't do individual reviews for these short films in my film log, but I wanted to share my thoughts on the short films chosen for this collection. Closing Dynasty's cinematography was adorable, as was Queenie. I think it reflects how malleable children are to the habits of their caregivers, and how much more perceptive and intelligent than adults give them credit for. Inheritance explored intergenerational pain, and my interpretation of it was that our protagonist was questioning whether whatever he's doing with his art is "worth it", as his great-great-grandfather pondered on whether it was "worth it" to leave Japan for the U.S. to earn a living. The Resemblance got me teary; the pain of being a burden to your parents is one that erodes at your self-worth. Although, I did find Daniel's parents' reaction to him leaving at the end slightly odd. I know that they had reconciled their wrongdoings, but it felt too quick to be believable. Firecracker revealed the conflict of maintaining peace in the family against being authentic to who you are and who you love.

Out of all of them, Closing Dynasty probably resonated with me the most. Seeing your parents financially struggle as a young, precarious child can make you conjure up all sorts of enterprising plans to help them, although my own were played out in my head.

12/11/24

memory

I miss a lot of things in the past. I miss feelings, people, sights - but is it actually my memories that evoke fondness, rather than the object of my affection? What I mistake for memories could just be fantasies fabricated by my brain to fill in the gaps that naturally reveal themselves as time passes by. It's as if distance truly does make the heart fonder...if it remains at that distance.

I find that the closer these fantasies come to being reality, the more I am repulsed by them. Things that I hated in the moment I long for in the present. I look back on memories with other people with fondness, only to feel discomfort with increasing proximity to said person today.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which prompted this train of thought. Sure, it might be less painful, less agonising if we could forget things we deem as regretful. But memory is an integral part of humanity. To remove our memory, our emotion, is to remove our humanity.

Why do we regret? We regret because we feel as though it was time and energy wasted on something that didn't last. In truth though, nothing lasts forever. Everything ends eventually.

That's not to say that we should never experience anything because we'll inevitably get our hearts broken, but rather a sign of encouragement to make our lives as colourful as possible by experiencing everything and anything we desire. To go out of our comfort zone, and still feel accomplished even if we failed to make it "meaningful".

11/11/24

identity

I think the term "identity crisis" implies that being confused about who you are is simply a one-off phase that you'll get over in due time. Perhaps that's why I feel odd for constantly revisiting my sense of self - even though our identity is dynamic and malleable.

Having the courage to form your own opinions is always a socially risky move, but I also find it very hard to ensure that my opinions are wholly my own. You see, I have a very polar mindset; everything is either right or wrong. Hence, I often find myself with flimsy opinions, rooted in fickle self-assurance. I'm always consulting Reddit, opinion articles, and even Goodreads and Rotten Tomatoes to confirm that my opinion on culture, politics, and personal dilemmas are correct, if not tolerable by outsiders.

To unapoplogetically love or hate something seems idealistic; we'd risk social isolation at best, and discriminatory abuse at worst. We'll always have an innate tendency to assimilate. Is it a privilege to purposefully deviate from the norm? Probably.

But I've been thinking more than ever about the possibility of living a life of subtle revolt. That ranges from being childless, unmarried and living off the grid, to simply buzzing all my hair off. It's the liberation from the shame that I'm not feminine enough just because I don't wear makeup or keep up to date with fashion trends. It's the authenticity that comes with not selling and exploiting myself to be perceived as a high-achieving, employable worker.

Conformity frustrates me. Though I fear that I'm walking into the illusion of individuality, only to find myself being boxed into another social category.

My biggest fear though? I'd hate to be that young person who sees themselves as "different from this generation", only to be exactly the same.

7/11/24

wrong person, right time

I got recommended this video by Michelle Gia when I was in the depths of processing friendship grief a few months ago.

I resonated with her words so much, and I wanted to share them here:

If you're going through something similar, I hope you can find as much solace in this as I did.

3/11/24

commmunity

The main reason why I decided to start a Neocities site was to find comfort in the company of internet strangers (even if it's only through guestbook posts and exploring the intracies of people's sites). I find that it's awfully hard to meet people who I find interesting in real life, and it shouldn't come as a surprise given that there are so many other humans out there. It's simply not statistically possible to find your community in one place.

Since I've started, I've smiled at the thoughts and mundane life moments shared by strangers and have admired their art, code, and passion for their interests. It reminds me that not every person is as painfully vapid as the ones I've met.

I also shove the contemplative microphone back in my face as to question if I'm the problem. Is the person I'm presenting to the public really me?

Perhaps that is why I keep meeting the wrong people. I don't let my true self see the light of day, hiding behind a more placid and palatable character. Mostly, I fear that I'll scare people off by not being agreeable nor sharing common interests, but isn't that the premise as to whether or not you should even be talking to that person?

I want to be bolder in my quest to find community. In the meanwhile, I'll continue writing notes from Earth.

3/11/24

web design

I have revamped the entire website simply because the old design didn't feel right. Nothing feels like me to be honest. I simulataneously love and despise minimalism and maximalism. And combining the two would be plain gross. Generally, I prefer minimalism because it reduces sensory overload, but then it gets to a point where I feel a lack of individuality and creative expression. Then I revert to my child-like maximalist ways (cue rainbows, pastels, and ornate details), only to feel overwhelmed and tired by the sheer amount of energy.

I constantly feel like I'm trying to fit into existing visual styles and aesthetics instead of embracing my own unique choices. I also get sick of things really quickly, whether they be profile pictures, wallpapers, music, and yes, my website designs. I've always been that way since I was little. Loving toys but getting real sick of them quick smart - not great for any parent's wallet.

I guess the only fix for this is to have a minimalist main site, then going all out on my shrine pages. But even that sounds tiring...

31/10/24

introduction

Happy Halloween! Random thought. Having this blog fills me with hope and relief. It's like the safe space that social media couldn't provide. The anonyminity is great for an oversharer like me; it gives me great peace of mind. But I cannot help but fear that people I know will find me online. It's silly to think of, but often times I wish that I could be scrubbed from peoples' memories. It's slightly disconcerting to know that a version of me could exist in someone else's mind.

But it's so tiring to constantly pretend to be someone I'm not. So this outlet is needed.

All I want is to love and to be loved. I also have the strongest desire to be a free entity, a wandering soul, an adventurous spinster, not caring about the world nor its' conventions and constructs. I want to devote my life to making the Earth a better place (odd for a usual nihilist), and savour life's flavours without restraint. I hope that I will have the courage to live this out, and to not let others' expectations steal the joy from the one life I have. Time is our most precious possession (alongside the planet, our bodies, and our empathy), and we need to spend it on tending to our own mental garden.